Warning: I am about to go into full rant mode. One the words start flowing, they’ll just spill out of my fingertips and onto the screen, and things may or may not make sense. However, this blog is mostly a release valve for my mind, a way to relieve the pressure of my incessant thinking and give my neurons a bit more oxygen. I don’t think I’ve ever promised to always be lucid, and if I have, shame on me. You have been duly warned.
I’ve always thought of myself as a conservative – at least in the past few years. Not necessarily Republican, but red nonetheless. Now, this is a bit of a misnomer, seeing how there are varying levels of conservative thinking. One can be fiscally conservative, socially conservative, governmentally conservative (for smaller government), even a mixture of the three. I am all about smaller government, lower taxes and fewer social crutches (like welfare, social security, that sort of thing), and generally I’m pretty ambivalent about social issues. I don’t want government intruding into my private sex-life or anyone else’s. Not into gay marriage, but civil unions don’t bother me. I’m against abortion because it reveals a lack of personal responsibility and it’s generally abused. I’m not religious, quite the opposite, but I do understand the role that religion plays in keeping a society intact. However, there are a few points on which I seemingly deviate from other, mostly like-minded, individuals on my side of the aisle.
I believe that two-parent families are very important – kids do benefit from having both parents around, from having someone to help with homework to discipline to extra love. Now this is where things get interesting. I do not believe that one parent absolutely has to stay home with the children. Especially that it doesn’t always have to be the mother. Sure, women typically are more nurturing, but that doesn’t mean men are incapable of nurture. I have no problem with husbands being the stay-at-home spouse, or with the couple trading off responsibility (as Tim and I have done in the past), or even with both parents working – even if they financially do not have to!
I was told recently on a blog that a woman does not have to work outside the home to be strong or independant. Wrong. Fail. Please try again. The strong part I’ll agree with; I do not agree with the independence. Certainly, there are mothers at home who are independent. I think that’s wonderful. But what about those of us who feel we have lost our independence when we stepped outside our careers and stayed at home? I worked before I became a parent, and for sometime afterwards. I earned my own paycheck, with enough to cover the bills and even some for spending on myself. But when I ended up at home with three kids, and only one paycheck from my husband, who lost out? I did. I’m not talking about not being able to buy Starbucks or designer clothing, I’m talking about being able to get my split-ends cut or replacing a worn-out bra. Why? Because I feel guilty. Guilty that I want to spend money on myself, and not my kids, because it’s not my paycheck – it’s my husband’s. He’ll disagree, and say it’s ours, but he’s doing the work, not me. He doesn’t feel the same guilt, because he’s earned that paycheck. I do feel I’ve lost my independence – I’m not Anna anymore, I’m Tim’s wife or Sophie’s mother, just another piece of the family portrait.
Now, independence would not mean I’m not part of the family – it would merely give me part of myself back. The part that loves to work, that aspect of me that thrives on routine and getting things accomplished and earning an honest wage for that labor. Getting out of the house, and away from my kids for a few hours. I love them, but I know now I was never meant to spend so much time in such close quarters – giving birth did not magically increase my patience nor my capacity to handle the conversations of a young child. I am not a social creature by any measure – I do not like being in crowds, I do not like to have visitors (nor really do I like to visit, outside of family), I do not make friends easily. I’m harshly condescending, blunt, and prone to mood swings and irrational behavior… when I do sit down to chat, I like to talk about issues and current events, but not tripe from Hollywood or mundane gossip. I read science fiction, and non-fiction (physics, anthropology, linguistics, and history), I listen to classically composed music and O haven’t watched network tv in years. I’m different, I’m not normal, and it’s very hard to find people like me period, let alone out of the small pool of people I come into contact with.
Look, I know most mothers that work or want to work are not like me. But that doesn’t mean their need to work is any less valid – I need to work because my mind is melting and yammering to my neighbor will not stimulate me intellectually (I know, I’ve tried); other moms need to work for their own reasons. My kids will not be neglected if I work, they will still have us around – and if my kids are going to be damaged because I’m at work for a few hours, than they’re really frakked up, because they’ve spent the majority of their lives away from their Daddy. But that’s okay, isn’t it? It’s okay for Daddy to work long hours or to be in the military, but not Mommy. Fuck. That.
But you know what? I still feel guilty. I feel bad that I do not have the desire to stay at home with my kids, that I’d rather work. It’s been over 5 years since I first became a mother – that maternal desire to never be separated from my children has yet to manifest, and I doubt it ever will. I did not cry when Sophie started school; I relished it. My favorite time of day is night, when the kids are in bed and the house is quiet. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children dearly, I’d die for them, but I’m around them so much they’re under my skin. It makes me feel like the worst mother ever for feeling like that, it really does, but it’s not something I say lightly. So I feel trapped, resenting the fact that I cannot work, and resenting the fact that I want to work in the first place.
If you’ve made it this far, you deserve an award. I hate the fact that some of my fellow conservatives, if I may still use that word, are embracing Gov. Palin with open arms, but citing her as a special circumstance. Yes, they say, it’s great that she has struck a balance between work and home, but she has a large family and a supportive husband. Ordinary women aren’t that lucky, they should not look to her as an example to emulate, they drone. Whatever, hypocrites. If Sarah Palin can do it, so can any other woman. Give us the benefit of the doubt, that we too can figure out how to go to work and still raise our kids. It’s not going to lead to the decline of society – we have more to contribute than just raising good future citizens, and I can raise my kids to respect our Constitution while earning a paycheck too. Heck, my liberal mother managed to raise a child that served her country and formed a traditional family.
I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. It’s such a sore spot, and every time I turn on the tv or call up the internet I’m slammed with the election, again and again and again. I cannot escape it, and while I love Palin and what she’s going to do for us, I’m growing weary of being reminded of everyone’s hypocrisy. Ardent feminists say she’s doing women a disservice, and staunch social cons are saying she’s proof women can do anything. I’ve made up my mind on who I’m voting for, so now for the next 60 days I get to be assaulted with my own guilt over my choices and desires, and I have no escape. It’s enough to make me cry. It does make me cry. I never thought something that could make me so happy, could also make me so despondent. Shame on me, it’s the second time that’s happened.
I might be taking a break, maybe not. I did get a new computer game (thank you honey), and I’ve been reading a book, mostly to try and clear my mind. We’ll see.
